All week, around 12:30 pm, the knot in my stomach has been telling me it's almost time to pick up Jack from preschool. Since coming off gluten he has just been allovertheplace. The unpredictability really unnerves me. Will he yell at me? Will I get word that he's been angry? Or will he finally be back to where he was and come beaming to the door, telling me about how awesome his day was? Oh please please let him get back to that!!!
I know, I know....dramatic much? But, I just want to see my little boy happy again. Seeing how heinous these gluten withdrawals have been for him just validates the decision to pull it from his diet. I feel awful for ever testing those waters but know on some level that we had to. As our naturopath said "in your defense, this is the only way to know". Mommy-guilt is a real b-word. And I will be too if anyone gives me grief about not feeding him wheat just because he doesn't have an IgE mediated reaction to it. Rowr.
And once he's back to being gluten (and fancy) free....I know him, and he'll hold on to how he WAS feeling for a while, confused by his own shift in mood. He had his first OT session yesterday at the new school (with a therapist he had about a year ago coincidentally) and he had a GREAT time! He loved the activities and talked to her right away. But he wouldn't talk to us about it (even me, and I was right there the whole time!) or admit that he had enjoyed it.
I'm reading the book Freeing Your Child From Anxiety and finding it really empowering. It's interesting to be reading exactly what we go through with Jack and knowing that we aren't the only ones dealing with behaviors like his. That there are tools and strategies that we can put into place that will help Jack to feel safer and more confident.
All that said, he was in such a good place just a month or so ago. If we can just get back there, I'll feel settled. I need to have patience, I keep getting glimmers of "happy Jack". He had a great day of preschool today, more smiles were reported! He told me "I will take care of Harvey at preschool" when we talked about Harvey starting on Monday. He's lucky I was driving (and he was safely buckled into his car seat) when he said that, cuz I wanted to squeeze the bejeebers out of him. Loving on his brudder is a definite step backward, and in this freaky stage of upside-down-ville, backward is just where we want to go.