Thursday, May 12, 2011

This is our battle song.

Over the past few days we've had an out of character level of rigidity and anxiety creeping into Jack's behavior. Having grown used to a more reasonable and flexible guy, I find myself walking on eggshells again and searching my resources for ways to help him through it. It is as exhausting as it is heartbreaking to see and experience your child in such anguish. In addition to the behavior, I'm noticing an upset stomach and a lowered appetite - these really send me into a brain picking no end whirlwind - is it the soy? too much sugar? is he tired of his food/becoming intolerant to it? am I offering him enough/doing enough/researching enough? is the anxiety causing the stomach upset or is the stomach upset causing anxiety? is it the homeopathy? will it resolve on it's own? is it cyclical? is it for life? These are questions we simply cannot answer. Every day I ask myself question that cannot be answered. Every. day.

I know I am successfully fighting the fight. He is nourished, growing, learning. He receives high quality supplements targeting basic nutrition, immune health, digestive health, inflammation, etc etc etc. Not only do we buy organic and avoid allergens but we stay away from food dyes and preservatives. We take care to avoid unnecessary medications like fever reducers, decongestants, and antibiotics, giving his immune system the opportunity to mature and strengthen. I use glass in lieu of ceramic, stainless steel in lieu of plastic, search for pajamas free of flame retardant, and the list goes on for-freaking-ever. I carry (with honor) the stress of this role and manage to find patience and boundless love for my children.

Durga (meaning Invincible, in sanskrit)

Still, when my child seems dysregulated and no longer in control of his own emotions and impulses, trapped by a fixation/obsession, crippled with anxiety, unable to enjoy the things I KNOW he finds joy in - I grow weary. I wake with anxiety. I feel isolated. But I know I am not alone.

Off topic, yet ON for so many - I tread lightly on the subject of immunization, because Jack is not vaccine injured. I can only say that confidently because he is not vaccinated. I say a prayer nearly every day thanking God I made that decision. There is just no way on earth that his sensitive and immunocompromised little body would have tolerated the viruses, preservatives, antibiotics, and multitude of chemicals in the 96 vaccines he would have received by age five. With articles like this cropping up everywhere, I can't help but think - do parents know that there are agencies dedicated to the reporting, documenting (VAERS), and yes, even compensating of children who have been vaccine injured? Leaving autism off the table, did your pediatrician outline any risks for you or give you the contact information for these resources should a reaction occur? Mine sure didn't.

I have MUCH to be grateful for. I don't seek pity. But I do begin to exhaust. I combed Whole Foods for over an hour this morning, with a basket over my arm, reading labels and peering at entire WALLS of gluten free products that we still cannot give to Jack because of their egg and dairy content. I broke down in tears when I found a buckwheat cereal (like corn flakes) that are new to the shelves and safe for my boy. I started feeling hope again when I found bagged popped sorghum (like popcorn) that Jack can snack on. I cannot ever give up the search for more safe variety for him. Sadly (but fortunately), due to the rise in allergies and intolerances, the demand for these foods is higher than ever.

All gluten free, all (but one) full of egg and milk.
Reading labels, hypothermia (and depression) set it.

I am not the only soldier in this unbelievable battle. So many fellow mother warriors have entered my life and given me strength when I was weak. I don't, quite frankly, know HOW we do it. But I do know WHY. Our children smile and we are filled. We're filled with determination and desperation. We suit up, without sleep in our arsenal, each day and prepare to fight for our children. We protect them, to the best of our ability, against the environmental grenades that are hurled at their tiny bodies day after day. We take our children in for blood tests, allergy tests, evaluations, and therapies. We have forgotten life before war. We are all told to "calm down", to "relax", to "take a day at a time". Trust us, WE DO. When and where we can, we do.

So, to all the mother warriors whom I have the fortune of knowing, you are INCREDIBLE. Joanna, Janice, Dani G, Aliki, Crystal, Kelly, Jill, and so many more: thank you for encouraging me, for giving me guidance on services, supplements, and strategies. Thank you for not giving up, even though I know it's not an option.

This is a call to arms,
Gather soldiers,
Time to go to war.
This our battle song,
Brothers and sisters,
Time to go to war.

Do you want to surrender?
Or fight for victory?


  1. Juniper. If I had a mirror that reflected emotions, it would reflect all that you just described. You took my breath away. I was moved to tears. You're an INSPIRING MAMA...simple.

  2. Thank you, sister friend. And hey, you gotta do something about the comment thing on your blog - I can't leave a comment! :(

  3. Hey J! Checked it seems that if you click the word comments under the specific blog post then it opens a window for comments. Does this make sense? The word is quite small, so a magnifying glass could prove helpful ;-)

    On another note, I'm very happy to hear Jack is feeling better. I'm looking into it at the moment...

  4. Hi Juniper: I've been trying to comment since Thursday, but for some reason, it wasn't working.

    I was quite moved by your post. We were in the throws of another healing reaction in our home when I read your post, and I was almost moved to tears. (I probably would have cried if I had been more in my body)...

    I could relate to every single word in your post... And, I felt honoured to be acknowledged as a fellow mother warrier. Thank you.

    Glad to hear that Jack is doing better. Paper remedy -- amazing, isn't it...


  5. Mama Files: I also tried to leave a comment on your blog, and had difficulty. The comment window opened up, but it wanted me to "word verify", but there was no place for me to type in the word verification.

  6. Janice - So amazing that I still can hardly believe it. But the odds of a coincidence? Not likely. Energy medicine....I'm learning to not question it.

    Aliki - yeah, what Janice said. Maybe if you disable the word verification option we can all leave comments for you! :)

  7. Ahuh...disabled the word verification tool ;-) thanks mamas...hopefully that does the trick!

  8. I completely relate to this post, wow. From the regulated to dysregulated frustrations to the so thankful everyday that we didn't vaccinate.

    Thank you for writing this, I really really appreciate your blog and knowing there is someone out there in my shoes! :)

    - Jill

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